A Little Something or Other

It's been a little while since I wrote my first entry on this blog.  A lot has changed in me since then, as if my heart that had become so hard has become softer, pliable.  I feel at times like I can cry, which is something that for a while I had wondered if I'd be able to do again.  When you think there might be nothing, you might try to do what Sartre did, you make yourself a god.  Meaning that you fortify your defenses against the hard parts of life.  That's what I was doing for a long time.  My failed marriage was a reflection of my failure to be the kind of person that I wanted to be.  I reacted to my failure by acting as though I was soaring above it.  Two people over there named Sarah and Patrick were breaking up and I as an outsider looking at them, which made me able to react unemotionally.  Sure there were moments of emotion, especially during the time that I was realizing that I couldn't lure her back in.  But when I came to the conclusion that it was over I was solid.  I was unaffected and better than all those whose marriages were failing yet were floundering in their emotions.  I was my own strong tower, I ran into myself, and wouldn't you know it, salvation was not there.  That's a struggle that I have all the time.  I thrive on the fact that I can be emotionally strong when others are not.  In reality my emotional mechanisms are all out of whack.  But that's something I'm just going to have to work on.  As a being-in-becoming, as someone who is finally, after a long time, allowing God to transform him, that's the way things are going to be.  Anyway, this is not where I expected to go with this blog.  I just wanted to point out that I am on a trajectory that is quite different than just over a month ago.  Things seem to be falling in to place.  Not that I have many answers, or that my life is all smooth sailing, but still.  I'm not one to get all fluffy about God, but I look at how things are going and I don't know how I've gotten to where I am right now, writing this blog, if it is not for God involving Himself in my life the very moment I needed him (I always need Him, this I know).  Deep was calling to deep.  And the God who is there was there.  He is still.  You don't know how much I need to say that.